Purpose In Life

I wish I knew the meaning of life. But that kind of wish is not really the first wish I would make. It is just some question that I won't worry about too much and isn't that important anymore. Sometimes I think the meaning of life is to feel good, laugh, and to be good Christians. No one has the perfect life. One may have everything that I would ever want. But, never in my life would I want to be them. Let's look at a doctor of some kind. He has a big house and never has a shortage of money. Many doctors I have seen mostly work for the money. The kind of personalities they have automatically qualifies them as the weirdest mother effers ever. (to me)
Years ago I really believed that I was to become a NFL player and make it to the top level. In the back of my head I had a faint thought of the chances of me making it with so many people all across the United States thinking the exact same thing. Things happened to me, making me believe I was a failure. Before I believed I was to become an NFL player I believed I was going to be the best wrestler ever. Only one person beat me my 8th grade year. I thought of it as a big loss because I was so close to winning and my grandmother was there watching the whole thing. I tried hard to fight my tears back.
That summer between my 8th and 9th grade I went to a wrestling camp with people that went to private schools and got the worst ass whoopin I ever had. I was getting spanked by a guy that weighed about 20 pounds less than me. That was one of the most devastating days of my life. I would hate to admit it but it brought up a fear of wrestling camps. Later it became clear the summer after my junior year. :) But anyway. I would not be so into football if it was not for my dad and even more my brother. My brother was a good ass player and I knew I would never be as good as he was or have his strength.
My freshman year I remember I was acting silly at one of my brothers football games and my dad wanted me serious so he hit right up side the the head. The hate I had for him was deep then. I know I got over it after some time but I not once said anything else that night and went straight to my room when I got home and I think I cried telling myself constantly that I was a failure. Another night of what I believe was my sophomore year (10th grade), I was coming home from practice with my brother driving and with some girl in the passenger seat. I knew I was slacking during practice. One of the important players of the team talked to my brother about me. In the car about halfway home my brother asked why I was always playing around at practice. I told him that I HAVE been trying. He did not seem like he believed me at all. The act as of not caring had me messed up. He easily said "whatever" after everything I said. I knew football was important but that time made football the most important thing ever. He noticed I was crying and asked if I was O.K. and I said yes.. Yadda Yadda Yadda. The next day at practice I changed into a berserk kid that thought he was a failure in life. All it took was two hits and I started crying and tensed up. I tried to fucking kill someone every time I heard the snap. All of the sudden the teammates started acting like they actually cared about me and asking me if I was O.K. and all of that. I was too upset to answer. I remember how I thought precisly. There was the "hut" I would run like mad to the person I was to block and hit him with all the hurt and anger in my heart. When I noticed that the play was over I would walk to the huddle with the feeling I had when my brother said "whatever" and the words "he doesn't love you" beating against my brain like crazy! The feeling I had was life and/or death threatening. I didn't notice anything else. The entire time I was stuck with that thought for a while. I did not want it to go away at that time. The next day at practice I felt the same but not as strong. I still tried to fucking kill someone. I cooled down as time passed on. What can I say... I love my brother.
But to the topic again, life is a beautiful thing and I would never want to take life away nor commit suicide. It seems my purpose in life now is to make other peoples lives better. To teach. To have fun. To make a difference. "To make a difference" is not some shit I wanted to say just because it sounds good. I want to be out there with blacks, whites, anybody that needs help to be successful in today's world. I want to start early with kids and grow them into good happy people that make good decisions. I want to get rid of all the bullshit of what they think matters such as: clothes, looks, sex, money. I want them to see all the beauty and just have it known in the back of their minds of how lucky they are to be where they are. Many don't realize the ability to do what they want is what many people in other countries dream about.